CAPALANG: May 2007

Friday, May 04, 2007

FORMULA

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
______________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
______________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
______________________________

佛說三世因果經

善男信女聽言因聽念三世因果經三世因果非小可佛言真語莫非輕
今生做官為何因三世黃金粧佛身三世修來今世受紫袍玉帶佛前求
黃金粧佛粧自己華蓋如來蓋自身莫說做官皆容易前世不脩何處來
騎馬坐簥為何因前世脩橋補路人穿綢穿緞為何因前世施衣濟僧人
有食有穿為何因前世茶飯施貧人無食無穿為何因前世未捨半分文
高堂大夏為何因前世施米上菴門福祿具足為何因前世造菴起亭人
相貌端嚴為何因前世採花供佛前聰明智慧為何因前世吃齋念佛人
妻賢女淑為何因前世佛門結緣人夫妻保守為何因前世長旛供佛前
父母雙全為何因前世憐恤孤獨人無父無母為何因前世都是打鳥人
多子多孫為何因前世開籠放鳥人養子不成為何因甘世皆因溺女身
今生無子為何因前世採毀百花身今生長命為何因前世買物多放生
今生短命為何因前世宰殺眾生身今生無妻為何因前世姦淫作惡人
今生守寡為何因前世輕賤丈夫身今生奴婢為何因前世忘恩背義人
今生眼明為何因前世買油點佛燈今生瞎眼為何因前世指路不分明
今生缺口為何因前世吹滅佛前燈今生聾啞為何因前世惡口罵雙親
今生馱背為何因前世笑了拜佛人今生缺手為何因前世都是造業人
今生缺腳為何因前世攔路打劫人今生牛馬為何因前世欠債不還人
今生瘏狗為何因前世皆因騙害人今生多病為何因前世酒肉供佛人
今生無病為何因前世施藥救病人今生坐牢為何因前世作惡不讓人
今生餓死為何因前世閉塞蛇鼠人毒藥死者為何因前世攔河毒魚人
伶仃孤苦為何因前世惡心侵算人今生寒餒為何因前世地下看經文
今生吐血為何因前世喫肉念經人今生耳聾為何因前世誦經不悉聽
今生瘡癲為何因前世買肉佛前薰今生臭氣為何因前世和香賣不真
今生弔死為何因前世繫索去山林鱌寡孤獨為何因前世蛆心疾垢人
雷打火燒為何因大秤小斗不公平虎咬蛇傷為何因前世冤家對頭人
萬般自作還自受地獄受苦怨何人莫道因果無人見遠在兒孫近在身
不信喫齋多脩捨但看眼前受福人前世脩來今世受今生脩積後世人
若人毀謗因果經後世墜落無人身有人受持因果經諸佛菩薩作証明
有人書寫因果經世代兒孫家道興有人頂戴因果經凶災橫禍不臨身
有人講說因果經生生世世得聰明有人高唱因果經來生人都愛恭敬
有人印送因果經來世便得帝王身若問前世因果經武帝前生是何人
若問後世因果經郗氏墜落蟒蛇身若是因果無感應目連救母是何因
若人深信因果經同生西方極樂國三世因果說不盡龍天不虧善心人